(Lines Project) The Meaning Behind My Own Lines
This is my actual arm. ^v^
The lines and their meanings
Pink
Supporting the project
Teal
Anxiety/panic attacks
Purple
LGBTQ+ community
Green
Been or being bullied
Orange
Anxiety
Black
Considered/attempted suicide
The Pink Line
How I found and decided to partake in the project was because of my close friend Ajax. They had posted a photo on their Instagram feed on the project. The picture contained brief summary of what to do, what each different coloured line meant, and how long the event would go on for. Then they wrote a message to our one of many group chats, saying, "Who is going to participate?"
With my curiosity piping, I read the text of the photo. After glancing at the given information, I decided to take a shot at this as I contorted a confident smile. I went to sleep, as it was late, and woke up the morning after. When I reached school, I wrote the lines that applied to me on my left arm. I spent the entire day, wearing my lines with a smile.
Now, I'm here writing about it.
The teal line
From when I was a little girl, I've been having minor panic attacks. Over time, they have grown strong and I sometimes no longer have the courage to stop it.
From my average attacks, I remember some of my regular symptoms were breaking down faster than I can count; my knees wobbling uncontrollably as I struggle to keep standing; my breath staggering, almost like I'll choking on something; negative thoughts rushing through my mind before I can hum my "I'm amazing" chant; trails of frightened tears falling as my vision blurs; and my heart pounding, like as if I'm going to die.
I'm sure that the reason I have panic attacks is because of my unbearable mom. As a kid, she would always have high expectations of me. She would physically abuse me if I made mistake, even if it was a tiny one. No matter how much I sobbed, she wouldn't stop hitting me. Sometimes she'd verbally abuse me by saying how much of a mistake I was. It was quite the traumatizing experience as a kid. (It sometimes still happens to this day.)
So, to avoid getting hurt, I guess I implanted in my tiny head that if I wasn't the best, I would never make my mother happy. I decided I would do everything I could to keep her happy. While I studied diligently and did the best I could, I wasn't the brightest student, therefore, not the best in my mom's eyes.
Over time, I've managed to convince myself that didn't need my mom's approval. (Though, it's quite the struggle to convince myself.) I still have panic attacks. While they're not as frequent, they're almost impossible to overcome, specially if they happen during exam week.
The Purple line
If you didn't know already, I am demisexual. It means that I can't feel any sexual attraction towards anyone, unless a deep, emotional bond or romantic connection is created. (Even then, it sometimes doesn't happen.)
It's part of the LGBTQ+ community. I will not let anyone say that it's "not an actual sexuality," "not fitting in the LGBT spectrum," or "it's just heterosexuals looking for attention." That angers me a lot because the feeling is very real.
A Quick Summary To How I Became Demisexual
I didn't find I was demisexual until a year ago. Ever since I was in elementary school, I've always wondered why I didn't find anyone attractive-looking in any way. Sure, everyone looked aesthetic pleasing, but I didn't find myself liking anyone unless we bonded over a shared interest. (Even then, I only had one crush and that was because we spent so much together.)
*finds tranquility with demisexuality*
Then I stumbled upon some sexuality quiz over the internet. I did the required questions and, within seconds later, received my result. It talked about what demisexuality is and its meaning, which I found really fit me. From that point on, I identified myself as it.
The Green line
Before I moved to a private school in my elementary years, I was bullied by a girl. Of course, it wasn't too serious. She'd just give me a few punches and insults to the face. I would ignore her, but at other times, I would feel agitated because I could feel her stare on me. Thank goodness, I moved schools before she could damage me more.
The orange line
Already explained in the "Teal Line."
The black line
Surprisingly, I have wanted to commit suicide when I was younger. (Nowadays, I try to not think that way, but the thought can crawl up my brain.)
The main cause for this line was because of my mom. I can't handle her because I'm afraid of my own mother. I can't stand for her constant mood swings and verbal abuse. Whenever she's hurting a part of my soul, whether mentally or physically, I want to bawl as I slowly die on the inside.
She's no longer ruining my life, as much as before. However, when I get negative messages from her, I turn into a somber wreck. She knows just how to ruin my self-esteem with her honest and cruel words.
I am thankful I live with my dad. I'm also thankful I have friends who will be there for me when I feel upset. They all give me support to keep living my life.
Concluion
Overall, I enjoyed doing the project with the lines. I am proud of myself because I am show that I'm bigger than these negative thoughts inside my head. While it's a struggle to keep myself together from the issues the world puts on me, I am able to smile though both the bad and good times.
Write a comment
Shannon Davis (Sunday, 23 October 2016 23:02)
This post is so sad and so deep.
The only one that actually applies to me is "been bullied", but I support everything.